some lyrics in need to be proofed

[wizzarts]

Hello everybody,

while reorganizing my harddrives I found some old songs.
Could one of you be so kind to check the lyrics... ?

Thank you very much

3ndy

Attachments:

[wizzarts]

No 2

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[wizzarts]

... No 3

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[wizzarts]

and finally No 4

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[Joseph]

Feb 5, 2013 21:47:47 GMT wizzarts said:

Hello everybody,

while reorganizing my harddrives I found some old songs.
Could one of you be so kind to check the lyrics... ?

Thank you very much

3ndy

what are you seeking, Andy? Lyrics are pretty personal stuff so I doubt I'd suggest any changes - especially seeing as the songs are complete. I can tell you that you probaly want "life-time" as opposed to "live-time" and "lose" (to find you are without something you once had) as opposed to "loose" (something a young person hopes to find in a member of the opposite sex ;D )

[Deleted]

Joe's right, lyrics are personal. However there are a few little problem areas (mostly in the first song) which are less to do with the meanings, more with the words you've chosen to express them.

Give me a couple of days to work through them properly & I'll see if I can suggest some improvements.

[wizzarts]

Well, thanks a lot Joseph and Tony for your time reading them...

It is all about my rusty english... and I think at least grammar and syntax should be correct...

... may be I should write songs in afrikaans or german...

[Deleted]

Hi Andy

Sorry about this, but once I started, I got carried away, and there's a bit more in this reply than I thought there would be. Don't take it too much to heart!

First let me say that this isn’t really my kind of my music, so maybe I shouldn’t be the one checking the words anyway.

In the first song, some of the “ones” at the ends of the lines don’t sound quite right. I’m not sure what would work best in their place. If you wanted to keep the repetition, (and I think the repetition is good) you would probably need to use something fairly meaningless like “You are a winner, sure!” or “you are a winner, yeah!” or even “you are a winner, girl!”

If you don’t mind losing the repetition, how about something like:

You are a winner, sure
And you are a smart one
You get what you want
Take what you see
You are a strong one
And you are a fighter too,
There’s nothing you can lose / There’s nothing you’ve ever lost
But me.

(I’ve also suggested changing the “straight” into “strong” – just the first word that came into my head, and maybe not the best one to go here; but you do need to change it for some other word. “Straight” nowadays usually means “not gay” when applied to a person, and that clearly isn't what you meant.)

The second song is fine as it is.

In the third one “You are smiling” you only need to change “livetime” into “lifetime” as Joe mentioned.

And the fourth song is where I really got carried away. Here are my suggestions (I've put them in UPPER CASE), but they're only suggestions, for you to accept or reject as you see fit: -

May I talk to you just for a minute?
THERE’S SO MANY things THAT WE need to sort out [1]
May I hold your hand just for a minute?
I wanna feel the tenderness THAT ONCE I felt [2]
We’re a COUPLE OF GOOD friends we said
Went together like an old pair of shoes
But now we (or WE’VE?) hit the crossing [3]
How will I know what I win and what I LOSE?
May I hold you close just for a minute?
It takes a man to ADMIT my feelings about you [4]
May I hold you close just for a minute?
I wanna feel your heartbeat for THE (or ONE) very last time?
I hope you believe me, that I feel so sorry about it
All the dreams and things we’ve planned simply don’t work out.
May I talk to you just for a minute?
There’s actually only ONE thing I’D like to say:
I love you, and I really do.


[1] - “bunches” isn’t wrong, but it sounds a bit old-lady-ish. (Apologies to any old ladies reading this)
The grammar of “there’s so many” isn’t strictly correct (should be “there are so many”) – but it’s a song, so there’s no need to be pedantic, and “there’s” fits the tune better

[2] - or “the tenderness I used to feel” – a bit less formal

[3] – “we hit” (present tense) would imply the disaster is happening now, or even going to happen soon – “we’ve hit” (past tense) would imply the disaster has already happened, now you’re just concerned about picking up the pieces. I’ve never heard the expression “hit the crossing”, & I suspect you invented it, but it’s a good one!

[4] – I think “admit” is what you meant, but I’m not 100% sure. If not, you need to choose some other word, “stand” doesn’t fit here. (Maybe you were thinking of “gestehen” or something similar? . . . ) If you do change it to admit, you’ll need to slightly change the rhythm of the song because you’ll have an extra syllable. Probably just delete the first tie in bar 12?


I hope this helps. And don't worry about rusty English. The time to start worrying is when it's like my German: fossilised (they'll be digging it up for carbon dating soon).

[Joseph]

Feb 7, 2013 18:17:18 GMT @tonyj said:

And the fourth song is where I really got carried away. Here are my suggestions (I've put them in UPPER CASE), but they're only suggestions, for you to accept or reject as you see fit: -

May I talk to you just for a minute?
THERE’S SO MANY things THAT WE need to sort out [1] - actually should be "there're" - things being plural . . .
May I hold your hand just for a minute?
I wanna feel the tenderness THAT ONCE I felt [2]
We’re a COUPLE OF GOOD friends we said
Went together like an old pair of shoes
But now we (or WE’VE?) hit the crossing [3]
How will I know what I win and what I LOSE?
May I hold you close just for a minute?
It takes a man to ADMIT my feelings about you [4]
May I hold you close just for a minute?
I wanna feel your heartbeat for THE (or ONE) very last time?
I hope you believe me, that I feel so sorry about it
All the dreams and things we’ve planned simply don’t work out.
May I talk to you just for a minute?
There’s actually only ONE thing I’D like to say:
I love you, and I really do.

And as long as Tony pointed out that repetition is not a bad thing I can't help but wanna to see some of the "may I hold . . ." lines read "I wanna hold . . ." Ok, you're right, the reference is the old R&R side of me ;D

[wizzarts]

Hello Tony, Salut Joseph,

thank you very much for your time, patience and your suggestions.

I will fix those lines the next week being that I am in a recording session right now.

And thanks a lot for "killing" all of my afrikaansde double-"O"s

This really helped so much.... If I have any further questions I will let you know.

Thank you very much. You both got a glass on my board now...

3ndy